Islamica News

Islamica News

  • Washington, DC – On Wednesday, UFC Lightweight Champion Khabib Nurmagomedov testified before the U.S. Senate, responding to questions about the melee that followed his victory over Conor McGregor. Today’s […]

  • Menlo Park, CA – Starting Wednesday, all 2.3 billion Facebook users will be able to declare civil war on one another based on their proximity and interests. CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled the new feature at a d […]

  • The following is an editorial written by Habib Ali whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News.

    Yo guys, it’s me, Habib Ali – your thirty-something, brown, slightly […]

  • Washington, DC – Wednesday evening, at an Iftar dinner hosted by the White House, President Trump and CIA Director Gina Haspel assured all guests that dinner and waterboarding would not start until after sunset. P […]

  • Saudi Ariba, Mexico – In a fast-paced outcome, Masjid-ul-Speedy Gonzales announced its congregation will complete taraweeh tonight, twenty-three days earlier than scheduled. Taraweeh is an evening supplication […]

  • Israeli authorities are baffled as they investigate mass deaths in Jerusalem following recent Palestinian protests. The death toll is somehow rising despite Israel doing nothing harmful whatsoever and just minding […]

  • Washington, DC – NRA money fell from the sky during Thursday morning’s live broadcast of the GOP response to the latest US mass shooting.

    Swaths of cash could be seen falling over House Speaker Paul Ryan’s head […]

  • Sterling, VA – As Saleem Mushtaq walked into the prayer hall at a DC area mosque Wednesday afternoon, he paused for a moment to recall if he still had his wudu from earlier in the day.

    Wudu is a physical […]

  • Chicago, IL – On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of […]

  • St. Louis, MO – “Please explain me this game,” asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl’s tense fourth quarter. “I just don’t understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?”

    Patel’s […]

  • Cleveland, OH – Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new ‘Call Center Raj.’

    “Major League Baseball is committed to building a […]

  • Birmingham, AL – On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.

    According to sources, the fresh, young poll was […]

  • Paducah, KY – John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; o […]

  • Houston, TX –  The latest Atlantic hurricane got a first-hand glimpse of the destructive leader of the free world on Tuesday, surveying the erratic entity as it flew over Southeast Texas.

    Clouds above and fl […]

  • Garland, TX – In the mid-afternoon Texas sun, a blonde haired, blue eyed male with deep anger lurking in his face, holds up a tired “Muslims GO HOME!” sign, exposing the defiant eagle and confederate flag tat […]

  • The theme will be under active development. Pardon any erratic behavior as robots can and will be going crazy. Thanks.

  • The new forums are up and ready for posting. Still need to allow a few things (i.e. registration) so that people can actually post. :p

  • New York, NY – A moment of chaos, bewilderment and injury ensued near Central Park yesterday, as Rabia “Mipster” Ali rode her skateboard directly into a group of dancing Muslims filming a viral-variant of Pharrell’s “Happy” video.

    The accident happened shortly after 3 PM at the “Angels of the Water Fountain” near Bethesda Terrace.

    Ali admitted that she is not very good at skateboarding.

    “All I can really do is stand on a skateboard for like 12 seconds. I need someone to push me,” said the 22-year-old as she tried popping her knee back in place.

    Ehthesham Haque suffered a head and neck injury in the collision. The “Happy” video participant angrily recollected, “I turned around and I saw this girl screaming to get out of the way. I think she was wearing skinny jeans and high-heels. Who the hell wears heels on a skateboard?!? “

    Married couple Maryam and Rashid Abdullah were stretching-out and waiting for their turn in the video when they heard a crash and a tirade of expletives.

    “Everyone was in such a great mood, dancing and smiling,” recounted Maryam Abdullah. “All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and then a long list of expletives from Brother Ehthesham. I mean I didn’t know phrases like that existed.”

    Opinionated witness Dawoud Jackson said that this was part of a cosmic plan to punish the participants for their lewd behavior.

    “God is punishing you for your attempts to assimilate!” shouted an irritated Jackson. “If you want to dance like monkeys, keep it in the sister’s section of your house!”

    Plans to film additional footage for the “Happy” video have been suspended. However, Rabia Ali said the Mipsterz video will still be shot and produced with her in a wheelchair (and heels).

    Several victims suffered injuries, of which five are hospitalized in critical, but stable condition.

    Pharrell was unavailable for comment.

  • CLEVELAND, OH – After Friday prayer at a local mosque, many worshippers were surprised to witness the conversion of a US Army MQ-1C “Warrior” UAV drone. Following a controversial tour of duty in Pakistan, the remorseful drone returned home pondering many of life’s questions. Exposure to Muslim culture overseas led the drone to the Islamic center.

    Many noted that in recent weeks, the drone had visited with increased regularity.

    “I saw it flying around the back of the prayer hall a few times,” stated Mosque Regular Asad Zaman. “One day my son wandered toward it and I screamed, running after him terrified. Then I noticed [the drone] was more afraid of us than we are of it. I feel silly for being prejudiced.”

    During a tearful shahada ceremony, the drone remarked “it was time” when it realized the Cleveland metro resembles the rubble and civilian destruction it left behind in Pakistan.

    While not obligatory, the drone chose the Muslim name “Hakeem” to honor its first civilian casualty and also mentioned being a huge basketball fan.

    The drone acknowledged its path to Islam wasn’t always smooth. Because of its time in Pakistan, it could understand parts of Friday speeches always given in Urdu but remarked it felt “many uncomfortable stares and whispers” from fellow worshippers.

    “Despite being shunned by a few of us, [the drone] always tries to be respectful and quiet in the mosque,” stated one worshipper. “But it’s kind of hard to be silent with those screeching jet engines.”

    The drone apologized for the past and potential future collateral deaths of “[its] new brothers and sisters.” It added “a light bulb was going off” in reference to its spiritual awakening, after which terrified worshippers screamed and ran to the exits.

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