Islamica News

Islamica News

  • Washington, DC – NRA money fell from the sky during Thursday morning’s live broadcast of the GOP response to the latest US mass shooting.

    Swaths of cash could be seen falling over House Speaker Paul Ryan’s head […]

  • Sterling, VA – As Saleem Mushtaq walked into the prayer hall at a DC area mosque Wednesday afternoon, he paused for a moment to recall if he still had his wudu from earlier in the day.

    Wudu is a physical […]

  • Chicago, IL – On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of […]

  • St. Louis, MO – “Please explain me this game,” asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl’s tense fourth quarter. “I just don’t understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?”

    Patel’s […]

  • Cleveland, OH – Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new ‘Call Center Raj.’

    “Major League Baseball is committed to building a […]

  • Birmingham, AL – On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.

    According to sources, the fresh, young poll was […]

  • Paducah, KY – John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; o […]

  • The theme will be under active development. Pardon any erratic behavior as robots can and will be going crazy. Thanks.

  • The new forums are up and ready for posting. Still need to allow a few things (i.e. registration) so that people can actually post. :p

  • New York, NY – A moment of chaos, bewilderment and injury ensued near Central Park yesterday, as Rabia “Mipster” Ali rode her skateboard directly into a group of dancing Muslims filming a viral-variant of Pharrell’s “Happy” video.

    The accident happened shortly after 3 PM at the “Angels of the Water Fountain” near Bethesda Terrace.

    Ali admitted that she is not very good at skateboarding.

    “All I can really do is stand on a skateboard for like 12 seconds. I need someone to push me,” said the 22-year-old as she tried popping her knee back in place.

    Ehthesham Haque suffered a head and neck injury in the collision. The “Happy” video participant angrily recollected, “I turned around and I saw this girl screaming to get out of the way. I think she was wearing skinny jeans and high-heels. Who the hell wears heels on a skateboard?!? “

    Married couple Maryam and Rashid Abdullah were stretching-out and waiting for their turn in the video when they heard a crash and a tirade of expletives.

    “Everyone was in such a great mood, dancing and smiling,” recounted Maryam Abdullah. “All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and then a long list of expletives from Brother Ehthesham. I mean I didn’t know phrases like that existed.”

    Opinionated witness Dawoud Jackson said that this was part of a cosmic plan to punish the participants for their lewd behavior.

    “God is punishing you for your attempts to assimilate!” shouted an irritated Jackson. “If you want to dance like monkeys, keep it in the sister’s section of your house!”

    Plans to film additional footage for the “Happy” video have been suspended. However, Rabia Ali said the Mipsterz video will still be shot and produced with her in a wheelchair (and heels).

    Several victims suffered injuries, of which five are hospitalized in critical, but stable condition.

    Pharrell was unavailable for comment.

  • CLEVELAND, OH – After Friday prayer at a local mosque, many worshippers were surprised to witness the conversion of a US Army MQ-1C “Warrior” UAV drone. Following a controversial tour of duty in Pakistan, the remorseful drone returned home pondering many of life’s questions. Exposure to Muslim culture overseas led the drone to the Islamic center.

    Many noted that in recent weeks, the drone had visited with increased regularity.

    “I saw it flying around the back of the prayer hall a few times,” stated Mosque Regular Asad Zaman. “One day my son wandered toward it and I screamed, running after him terrified. Then I noticed [the drone] was more afraid of us than we are of it. I feel silly for being prejudiced.”

    During a tearful shahada ceremony, the drone remarked “it was time” when it realized the Cleveland metro resembles the rubble and civilian destruction it left behind in Pakistan.

    While not obligatory, the drone chose the Muslim name “Hakeem” to honor its first civilian casualty and also mentioned being a huge basketball fan.

    The drone acknowledged its path to Islam wasn’t always smooth. Because of its time in Pakistan, it could understand parts of Friday speeches always given in Urdu but remarked it felt “many uncomfortable stares and whispers” from fellow worshippers.

    “Despite being shunned by a few of us, [the drone] always tries to be respectful and quiet in the mosque,” stated one worshipper. “But it’s kind of hard to be silent with those screeching jet engines.”

    The drone apologized for the past and potential future collateral deaths of “[its] new brothers and sisters.” It added “a light bulb was going off” in reference to its spiritual awakening, after which terrified worshippers screamed and ran to the exits.

  • CHICAGO, IL – Community leaders and authorities are warning of a scam involving the sale of extended warranties for wudu, the Muslim ablution process.

    Law enforcement officials cite increased reports from […]

  • HOUSTON, TX – Helplessly locked into a Medicine major since the age of seven, local teen Salman “Silly” Husain is considering calling it quits.

    “High school was grueling with all the AP classes,” noted Husain. “Now I’m looking at another decade of pre-med, medical school and residency. I’m just not sure it’s right for me.”

    Husain’s not alone in his machine-like march to a six-figure salary. Others have formed a support groups and identified themselves as the MLEFT Community of Greater Houston.

    “MLEFT was founded to support students moving away from predetermined majors in medical, legal, engineering and finance,” stated MLEFT founder Bilal Apaluza.

    When asked what the final T stood for, Apaluza responded, “The transexuals joined later somehow. We’re not sure what to do.”

    Supported by the MLEFT community, students like Husain work to discover what they want to be when they grow up – a part of the education process seemingly neglected by many.

    MLEFT also provides peer support when confronting family bias and pressures. Husain’s longtime friend Viral Thakkar, also a former premed student ironically with a name like Viral, introduced him to the group.

    “We were pulling an all-nighter once and I could tell Silly was underwater,” remarked Thakkar. “He’s usually so upbeat and fun. It’s sad to see him living like in denial. That’s when I knew I had to introduce him to the group.”

    “It’s good not to feel alone,” stated Husain. “Ever since I was a kid, my parents dreamed I’d be a doctor. I don’t know how to tell them but we’re figuring it out. It’s going to break their hearts. Maybe I can soften the blow by first telling them I’m gay.”

  • LOS ANGELES, CA – After a hugely successful viral marketing campaign, fans of the “Mipsterz” trailer turned out in droves for the premiere of the feature-length film. Despite large crowds and huge online buzz, however, many moviegoers left theaters unsatisfied.

    “The trailer was awesome. Lots of skateboards, ice cream cones, and pancakes being used in creative ways,” commented one fan. “But the best parts were in the trailer.”

    Many echo similar sentiment, citing a formulaic narrative and the lack of character development or plot. Despite a $2 million production budget, many felt the film’s special effects were overdone and question the lack of any big-name actors.

    “The biggest name you have, Noor Tagouri, wasted her talents in a minor, non-speaking role,” stated one frustrated fan. “They just cut to her smiling every minute or two. And what’s up with that terrorist dude doing the Harlem Shake?”

    “I give it a D,” noted film critic and blogger Zaki Hasan. Hasan added, “The CGI was awful but I liked the twist ending with a cliffhanger. [The filmmakers] obviously had sequels in mind but I question their decision to make it into a three-hour epic.”

  • DEARBORN, MI – Parents at a local Islamic School were given a rude awakening last week in the form of screeching tires on a 2005 Lexus RX-330 SUV. The aggressive driver, identified as 29 Year Old Fakia Daud, was spotted weaving in and out of traffic approximately 30 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

    “One second she’s honking like a cab driver and the next she’s smiling, kissing her kids goodbye and giggling like nothing happened,” stated one confused onlooker. “It’s really at odds with her ‘I Love Allah’ bumper sticker.”

    “I think she flicked me off,” stated parent and longtime family friend Asad Maluza. “I’ve never seen this side of her. After seeing that, I connected the dots with the soccer game incident.”

    Maluza elaborated that after a soccer match last month, many children came home complaining of dizziness and nausea. Daud, an active volunteer for many school activities, was the driver and chaperone.

    When asked for an explanation, the soft-spoken mother of two blamed “some bad hummus the kids had for lunch before the game” and added it might be “some sickness going around.”

    The children, however, tell a different story. One youth described Daud as “a freaking total maniac” who “used words [I’d] never heard before.”

    “My child asked me what an [expletive] was,” explained another disappointed parent. “I’m not sure I even know what a [expletive] is but he says she shouted it while making a hard right. She’s the reason they don’t let women drive in Saudi. ”

    Many children remarked Daud was “waving funny” at other drivers, texting constantly and, at one point, exited the vehicle with a baseball bat.

    At press time, police were investigating allegations this may be connected to the “crazy baseball bat ninja” reports from last fall.

  • SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It’s been nearly five years since the controversial opening of the Bay Area LGBT Islamic Center, commonly abbreviated as BALGBTIC. After initial firestorms of criticism and angered picketing, things have recently quieted and worshippers have settled into their routine.

    And while many have grown accustomed to hearing “fabulous fatwas” or driving past the center’s “Disco Dome,” the LGBT Muslim community are cognizant of how far they have yet to go.

    “Oh my God there’s this guy, Javid. I don’t know where to begin. He doesn’t get what we’re trying to do here,” stated one visibly flustered congregation member. While fanning himself, he continued, “Christopher told me that Stephen said that Daniel saw him move here maybe like six months ago? He so hasn’t been following what’s happening.”

    “He’s like bigfoot,” stated BALGBTIC President Samak Dataas. “Some doubt he’s real but I’ve seen him. He shows up so quickly, prays, makes some awkward, disjointed small talk and leaves.”

    According to witnesses that man, identified as 45 year old IT worker Javid Saleem, is often spotted randomly at the center. Seemingly ignorant of the Islamic Center’s unisex bathrooms and rainbow-colored partition, Saleem recently inquired about marrying “a modest sister from the masjid.”

    “We keep telling him that’s not gonna happen,” stated Dataas. “We’re very accepting, but damn he can’t seem to take a hint.”

    Walking past violent protests outside the mosque, Saleem remarked, “I agree, the parking lot is a joke.”

    Some are growing frustrated. Last Friday after prayers in an attempt to be more obvious, Dataas announced, “We’ll soon undergo renovations since many of our bisexual and transgendered members have complained they’re forced to share a small room with no working speakers.”

    Immediately thereafter, all eyes were on Saleem as he stared and smiled, seemingly unable to blink.

    Dataas continued, asking for volunteers for the mosque’s annual production of the Rocky Horror Picture show and Saleem was heard shouting he “loves the cinema.”

    “I know people don’t want to acknowledge there are gay Muslims out there, but at least acknowledge me when I’m standing in front of you waving a pink feather boa,” stated one angry member. “We have a huge Cher poster in the lobby, for goodness sake. I feel like he’s emotionally forcing me back into the closet.”

    When asked by reporters if he’s aware BALGBTIC is a gay mosque, Saleem responded, “Yes they are all very happy. Like the dancing black in the video. Everyone is so well dressed and smells nice. I can only imagine what the sisters section is like. Do you know one?”

    Many are questioning if Saleem understands English or might be a spy for straight Muslims. Others ponder if he’s blind, deaf or perhaps in subconsciously “in the closet” himself.

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